don't even tempt me, PLEASE.

I am a b*tch. I don't hide it from people, but I don't usually intend to be one in most situations. I'm really just a b*tch by nature. I don't try to be one or am one because many people see me as one. But lately, I've been very good.
I could finally control my eyes, the gaze that most people mistake as terrifying. You know the kind of look that starts from head to toe? That's the kind of look I usually use on people whom I don't like or I see doing something I don't like. I do that kind of gaze most of the time. And that is the very reason why I get into so many fights with people I don't even know.
Before, when I don't like something, I tell it to your face. When I don't like the way you treat my friends, I'll tell you what I feel without even thinking whether it could hurt you or whether my tone is very insulting. I speak my mind, most of the time. But now, I've mastered the art of thinking before saying. I've learned to keep some things to myself to avoid further unnecessary arguments.
I don't b*tch so much anymore. I learned to control by myself.
But now, today, something really pushed me to the wall! SHT.
I have this block mate of mine who, uhh, have been very sweet to me. But the day came that we argued about something so much that it lead to us not talking to each other. Eventually, we made up and he promised that everything will go back to the way it was. But it never did. He has been very close to other people since we had the argument and he's treating them the way he used to treat me before. And now, he's treating me like sht. He's very argumentative and very reprimanding towards me. I sincerely hate the way he's treating me. I wanna b*tch out on him so effin bad but ERR. CONTROL. FVCK. I want to slap him in the face, ask him what's the problem and really tell him that he's being very shtty lately. But, I've never been a b*tch in college yet. I don't want to. I don't plan to. I wish he could read this so he'd know that he shouldn't continue pushing me to the limit. I'm really near being a big b*tch again.
Hey! You! FvCK YOU VERY MUCH! (:

who am i now?

I could be so much as a dreamer, I could be so much as an artist, but I know i'm neither. I'm more of a peron who's a realist, a person who never quite mastered the arts. Just to make a point, I know myself, very well. At least I thought I did.
Well, I could really say I did. Before I entered UP, I knew who I was. I was this spoiled-but-selfless, childish-but-matured, short-but-sweet, very ironic girl. I loved Math above all subjects because it was the one which seemed less complicated than the others. Somehow, Math had been the subject which I could mostly relate to. Math has difficult problems and easy problems alike, but only one solution to each of them. That's the greatest thing about Math - every problem has its solution.
I never gave up on everything I wanted. I had to get it, no matter what. What I wanted, I got. Fast. But if I didn't get it or it wasn't given to me ASAP, I strive to get it on my own. No one could hinder my path to my goal. No one, nothing.
I gave everything to people. I never thought of myself, whether the things I gave away would be returned, reciprocated, or cherished. I was deprived from a lot of it, but I was mostly happy because I made other people happy, even for a short period of time. I preferred to be miserable just as long as I don't cause anyone's misery. I'd rather keep disappointments with other people to myself rather than let them know and cause a fight. This I did for as long as I could remember and I don't know if anyone knew.
Now why do I seem so dumb? I get high grades in all our subjects except for our Math. Of all subjects, I'm failing Math. It hurts cause I can't say "typical me" because it's not at all typical for me to fail Math. :(( I'm near giving up - on everything. I can't blame anyone and I won't blame anyone because I know this is all my fault. Well hey! At least there's still one thing consistent about me. Haiiii. :((

expectations, frustrations, and hope once again

Months ago, our adviser who was also the vice principal of our school announced to the senior batch [that's us] that we would be having our educational field trip or exposure trip at Corregidor. This was a first for our school because so many previous senior batches have been wanting this trip but only us got it. Everyone was agitated and was looking forward to the said trip.
Weeks before the scheduled date of the trip, my friends and I were already chatting excitedly about the things we'd do there and the places we'd get to visit. Being an even-numbered posse was in our favor for choosing our busmates wasn't a problem anymore. And as for me, I asked ladypresident to be my buddy on the trip. She had expertise in History where I lacked, and that was our advantage, not to mention our bravadoat English together. Prognosticating things were inevitable at this point.
When it was already time to submit the reply slips or waivers that our parents would let us come on the trip, I asked my mom to sign it already telling myself that she'd approve. But to my surprise, she didn't. I thought that she was just procastinating things again but when I asked her again after a few days, she sternly said "no" yet again. Feeling frustrated already, I shared the feeling with my bestfriend-slash-someone;) and I was irritated because he too, didn't want me to come.
Being a spoiled bratt, I still said to our adviser that I'd come to the trip and return the reply slip whenever my mom was done with it. But yes, I hadn't been able to come. I mean, if I only had the money and all, I'd still go. For whatever I wanted, I always got. And this was always the case. But not this time, though. :(
Today was the scheuled date of the trip and since early morning, I've been receiving text messages from my class/batchmates that they wished I was there with them and that it was fun there. They are now in the hotel and enjoying hotel privileges. I wish I was there, too. :(
We had classes today, the people who hadn't join the trip. But I hadn't gone to school. Due to depression, or frustration, I really don't know. The only distinct thing to me now is that I want to be with my class/batchmates in Corregidor, swimming in the pool, too.
But I don't blame my mom or him for not letting me come to the trip. I just wish I'd find something good in this whole experience. After all, this was the first time I hadn't come on the field trip. And this was even the senior year. I'd lost my chances on joining the retreat with my classmates, sleeping in a hotel with them, and maybe even going to Corregidor. But, oh well, there's always a silver lining after the storm, right? I wish that mine would be there tomorrow when I wake up.
Night, guys! Comment some time, will you? :)

you can never love anyone more than you do yourself. know this: everyone's a narcissist. :)

1. I am on Facebook right now. [Facebook won't work here in my laptop. gawd!]

2. I am subscribed to over 20 channels on YouTube.

3. I personally know at least one of those people in real life.

4. I have trouble numbering things. [no waaaaay. math's my thing. :)]

5. I really, really despise my phone. [i want a new one. specifically one from Nokia's E-series]

6. I hope to get Augustana's new album soon.

7. I recently defeated Optem Alfred on the Sims 2 for Nintendo DS.

8. I saw my father today. [uhh? xP]

9. I also saw a train today.

10. My favorite color of Post-It notes is yellow. [why the blah color when you can have it in pink? :DD]

11. I want to try the lemonade from Starbucks. [have tried. the best pdn iced capp :)]

12. When it is nearing my birthday, I become very selfish. [selfishness' a perennial attitude :DD]

13. I have a flag in my room, other than the American flag.

14. I'm looking forward to football season.

15. During the summer, I only like it when it rains at night. [summer's my time to shine. :DD]

16. My state is currently in a very bad drought.

17. I have supported Barack Obama since 2006.

18. I plan to reread the Harry Potter series this summer.

19. My summer break ends in early August.

20. I am very excited about my junior year.

21. But I am not looking forward to the GHSGTs.

22. I have met the governor of my state.

23. I would like some water right now.

24. I want a new laptop. [would actually prefer a Sony Vaio. :DD but if it's a notie, it's okay. losers can't be choosers, right? and i desperately need one for my research paper]

25. I have lost four or more friends and/or family members this year.

26. I do not enjoy snow. [haven't experienced it yet. *sniffs*]

27. I do not enjoy humidity either, but it is unavoidable. [it's fine.]

28. I am wearing green shorts.

29. I have at least three autographed books.

30. I love the movie Into The Wild.

31. My dream college is UGA.

32. I want to take a train somewhere. [i think it's very relaxing to be riding on one and it's cool to be laxed and just reflect]

33. I will be going on a cruise this year. [i wish!]

34. I want to meet a Beatle (or two) before I die. <>

decision-making

I'm currently in the computer lab in school and moments ago, we had a quiz about flowcharts in Computer Programming. And I decided to write a short blog about it now. I've realized that in life, like in Computer Programming, we have to make decisions even though some choices require us to give up something important. We still have to realize that one choice will always be better than the other and in the end, whatever you choose would affect your destiny. So be wise, and think twice. Sounds cliche? Well, life's full of it:)

the art of LoveLives

I have never been good at drawing, coloring things, or even expressing myself through the arts. I have never been the creative type and I think I would never be 'coz I firmly believe that "creativity can never be taught, it is within one's self."
So when our MAPEH class at school was taught by a new, more-experienced, and far more artistic teacher, I had a huge problem keeping up. He taught us to blend colors and draw first the sketch of the things which we were to color. Sounds cliche but I think the activities he made us do were obviously underrated. I didn't think that it was that hard to draw a palm tree, or a bamboo, or even an apple. GDI! I always had to ask my very artistic and creative seatmate, Milton Jason Tanedo for help. And I'm glad that he was always there to offer a hand.
But Love, Love is a different thing. In art, for me, no matter how many things you draw and no matter how many of them looks like the real thing, you will never learn to improve the way you draw them, unless you want to. On the other hand, in Love, after past experiences, whether you like it or not, it changes you. In some ways- obvious or not- little by little, you become less and less of yourself as before the actual relationship even began. And when it ends [because it's rare nowadays that you see people or couples in happy relationships] you don't know who you are anymore.
So many people [those whom I know] are breaking up these days. It upsets me because the couples who you'd think were gonna last forever, didn't. But for those couples whom you know won't really last long, it's not that appalling. And it kinda saddens me because it's like before, when my friends and I talk, we talk about the things that make us smile and the people who give us reason to do so, but now, it's like we talk about the effin' things they said and how the BS things they kept just surfaced now. Finally, I think that Love, like art- there's no exact way of doing it, you just learn to do it in your own way and accept that it's not perfect but atleast you made it:)
P.S.: I am not good at singing, I will never be great at drawing and coloring things, and I will never ever ever be sporty.:)
-- the author who hates MAPEH but loves L♥ve:)

accuracy and precision

Actually , the title is somehow far from the main idea of this blog post . But it still is connected . Hahah .! Today was a rainy day . Before I left the house , I was doubting if I would bring my jacket because I already felt cold . I remembered that moodycutie brought home my jacket and she was supposed to give it back to me today . So I thought of my convenience . I didn't bring it . But as it turns out , she didn't bring it . It wasn't washed yet . I suffered for the whole day . I felt cold for the whole day . And as all of us know , it's better to sleep when it's cold . As Chemistry came , all of us felt sleepy . Our teacher pa naman was 25 % lesson , 15 % nagging , 60 % sharing of her life story . And we couldn't understand what she was teaching us . To be cruelly honest , she doesn't know how to teach . And today , our topic was accuracy and precision . I was f*ck*ngly uber sleepy that my eyes were already involuntary . It closes by itself . Hahah .! But as an awardee , I couldn't , shouldn't , won't and must mot be caught sleeping in class . Most especially that it was a major subject . I tried very hard to keep myself awake . It took a lot of my energy to do that . Then as I was thinking of a title or something to write in my blog today , I heard something from our teacher . Aha .! Words of wisdom . I think this was during the part two of her nagging . Haha .! And this was the saying she shared to us " Does the end justify your means .? And does your means justify the end .? " Wow .! What a good quote .! And this was the second thing she shared to us , " My professor once said that we go to school to unlearn , to learn , and to unlearn ." I kind of understand what she meant . But due to increasing drowsiness , I didn't bother to go to it deeper . What really fascinated me was the first saying . And I love words of wisdom that I can use in my daily life . So from now on , before I do something really stupid just to get what I want in the end , i'll think of that . And if all of it is worth it .!