Dear Friend

Funny, I was supposed to type Dead Friend instead of Dear Friend. No, I never wished for anyone to die although they may be the cause of my dying inside each and every day. Well, that's too much of a confession right there.

I'm confused as ever. I don't know what I want to say, actually. I just know that tonight, I want to write. Maybe because we just watched "The Perks of being a Wallflower" and Charlie, the lead actor, writes down his feelings in a letter to a friend - hence, the title of this post. But because I live in a world where technology rules, I reinvented his Dear Friend and made it cyber.

And yes, I write about you again. Although I promised never to do so again for so many times, here I am typing.

Do you know how it feels to be near you? To be every inch closer to you than other people? As Charlie said in the movie, "I'm sad but happy at the same time." Because I realized that only a few people can come so close to your presence. But you know what hurts? It's that I can only come so close. So close to long for more, but too far to know that it's the boundary, that we will never be closer than that. Does it even make sense? Of course, it doesn't. Because you don't know. Because you'll never know.

I can't understand why I feel the way I feel when you care for other people in front of me. It's irritating to the point that it's unbearable most of the time. Is it because I rarely feel you care about me? And why is that so? Because I have come off too strong for anyone? Well, yes, I maybe independent, to say the least, but doesn't that say more about me than anything? It's a testament that I'm battling against so many things that I prefer to fight against them, that I need someone to hold me and say I don't need to pretend, that I don't need to hide anything. But still, you don't know that, do you now? I'm not jealous, I don't think I am.

We assumed we were put in the friendzone by the other even before we actually were. Maybe that's the reason why we never will work out, why we never worked out even after so many years of being close. Because let's face it, we do act like a couple most of the time, or we look like one. So many people are just waiting for it to happen, but has it ever crossed your mind? Everytime the thought comes to me, I shrug it off as attachment. Because I really feel that this is just that - dependency.

But then, why do I always write about you? Why am I always so confused?

Never have I said to myself that I needed anyone. But most of the time, I'd like to be with someone. And often, I don't know who that someone is. Let's put it this way: At a certain point in time, I'd like to be with someone in particular, but the time being passes and so does the longing. And that's the way it goes, usually.

So why am I still so confused?

If I'd like to, I can choose. There are avenues unexplored with their gates open. But what road do I really wanna tread? I know I must stray away from the most dangerous one - the one that has the most BENEFITS. No matter how tempting it is to go down that alley, I know that the end is depressing and way, way scarier than the other paths. I can go the right way and choose the one that's been sending constant signals. But will I be happy? Oh, who am I kidding? Everyone knows the answer to that. Or will I go down the same path I've been on forever? I know that the end is unseen, still. And it may not even exist. But I like it here, most of the time. I'm not the super sentimental type to remember each date, but I do remember each and every feeling (it's like a title of a book, The Different Stages of Elation). There have been many bumps and obstacles, and I know there will be more; but I know I can make it through. But then again, I could always stop and appreciate what/who's been with me all along. Though I'm not really sure why he's with me or what role he plays in my life, I do know he's here, he's now.

I'd like to think that sometimes, I'm numb. But no, I'm not. And hell, do I wish I were.

PS: We haz a new doggy! :) Her name's Maya and she's of a Chow-chow breed, I think. This day could not be any happier. :)