No one understands.

It were times like these that I don't want to go home. That I want to be a free spirit, sleeping on the streets, not knowing I had to go back somewhere, or simply had money to go wherever I wanted.
No one understands. No, not a soul. No one knows how badly broken I was even before falling in love came to play. It hurts being born into what mask of a family this is. I understand that there is no perfect brood, but this is a far cry from a family which you'll be content in having.
Growing up, I always had to be strong. Both for myself and for my mom. All my life, she was the only one who was there and she was the only one I can confide to. But things won't always be what they are now. So things changed.
Men came into the story and took the only constant person I had that I knew was really mine. So I'm left, alone, pretending to be content when I'm far from being complete.
I had to survive this life, I always told myself. Because I've learned that everything passes and everything, anything, shall end. Eventually I've learned to enjoy every moment - bad or good.
But do I always have to endure things I don't deserve? Why can't I be happy? Just for a day. I'd like to feel how it is. I'd like to know how people stay happy inspite of their problems.
It's annoying when you have to stay in a house where everyone fights over the smallest things. I imagined being brought up in an unperfect place, but a happy one atleast. But it seems I was never given anything I needed - even a father.
I will never be complete. No matter who tries to save me, no matter how many times I fix myself. There will always be that gaping hole that will eat me up and will always make me feel incomplete.
The void that this is, this is what I have to live with each and everyday. I can't burden other people with my hurts and pains because they have their own and they simply do not care.
I can't even remember the last time someone actually cared for how I felt. Everyone really just uses everyone else - regardless whether they know it or not.
I'd like to feel loved again. To just be held when I'm figuratively falling apart. But tonight, there's just no one to turn to and no one to blame but me.
I can't say I messed up because I've only made mistakes. And these mistakes are just the consequences of my so fucked up life. I'm the greatest escapist of all.
People see me happy all the time, not knowing that when I'm left alone, I can never explain to myself why I'll never be able to be truly happy.
I'm starting to lose sense and poise gradually. I don't care. I want to write. I have no one to talk to so my keyboard will have to suffer. I'm sorry but I can't keep this bottled up forever.
Do you know how much it hurts to hear people talk about your mother like she's a criminal? And still believe that maybe this is just a phase despite of the things that must make you believe otherwise. Turns out the only person you believed in might not be the person you knew her to be.
I can't turn to anyone now. No, not when they're all waiting to see me wither and break down. I can only tear and hope that one day, it'll be okay. I can only kid myself because I know it will never be okay - that I will never be complete.
Hurts to see things you shouldn't be seeing. Hurts even more to pretend you don't see because it breaks you up.
I want to get out of this mess but I don't know how. I can't understand why I can't be happy. I can't fathom why some people who've been happy all their lives still continue to be and people like me who've been broken and shattered all their lives don't deserve to be happy, even just for once.
Someone hug me. Someone tell me they're going to help me. Someone assure me that I am strong and I made it this far so I must go on. I must live this life though no one could be in my place and survive.
No one knows how hard it is to be strong enough for yourself. To not just give up because you know you're way better than they perceive you to be.
I'd like for someone to help me up. For someone to understand me and love me the way I am. I'd like to sleep now. And wake up to a bunch of people who'll love me unconditionally.
And until now, I need to have people around me. So pathetic and so childish. But can you blame me? I've had no one from the start. Think I'm doomed to be alone forever.
Call me selfish, call me mean, call me a bitch, call me whatever you want. Trust me, I couldn't care less. But really, you don't know how harsh life was and still is to me. I've learned lessons way before life taught them to anyone else.
Sometimes I get blamed for the things I didn't do, for things I had no control over, and for things I know I shouldn't have done but felt so great. I have no other choice but to accept the punishments and hope that someday, I'll be redeemed.
Blame me not for the things I do just to feel happy and complete because I don't know, I'm not as nice as the people who are in the same situation as I. I don't handle heartbreak and pain like mature people do. I escape.
I try and escape the pain and try and fool myself that I can be happy eventhough everything's spiralling down. I hate myself for these things, but I can't hate myself for trying to fix me.
I can't blame people for being my accomplices. I can't thank them enough for making me smile and laugh even just for moments.
I don't know how to end this. I hate this life. But I can't choose another one, can I? I don't know what to do anymore.