Simple thoughts by a girl who wishes she was that simple.

Caution: This will be written in a language in which I am most comfortable in, though your eyes might bleed whilst reading this post. Beforehand, I apologize. But I believe that this is how I could fully express myself and how I feel and/or think.

Sobrang daming thoughts na umiikot sa utak ko. Sorry na Kuya if I can't jot with a keyboard. Haha. Okay, I know I'm random. Wala lang. Naisip ko lang kasi how much I've been wrong this semester. Pero God knows, everyone knows na I tried hard. Well, okay. Not everyone knows pero they should! Kasi I really did. 'Twas tough to balance my academics over everything that happened over this semester. Sobrang dami naman kasi talaga. Imagine acquiring 30+ new brothers and sisters, attending classes without some of my closest block mates, and so many little things that happened day by day. Mahirap mag-aral kapag may gumugulo sa utak mo. Lalo na 'pag may namimiss ka, or may hindi ka kaayos na hindi ka sanay na magkagalit kayo, 'pag walang nakakaintindi sa'yo. Masakit na, mahirap pa. San ka pa diba? Pero despite the downs of this semester, I managed to fight my way out of depression most of the time and triumphed. Pero not in the way others would expect. Eh kasi naman, we're all different diba? One cannot handle depression in much the same way another handles it. Nakakainis lang kasi some see my pagsasaya as a reason why my acads are going down the drain. Siguro it contributed somehow pero really, it's a consequence.

What the heck will you do when the one person you think wouldn't let you down kasi you've been there para sa kanya nung times na kailangan niya ng sasalo sa kanya let you down? Ay, ang labo. Pero sabagay, mali din naman ako to expect something from someone. I thought I knew better but apparently, I didn't. Akala ko lang kasi, he'd be there. Pero wala e. The time came that I needed him the most, but he wasn't there. Why did he made me believe then, that he was there for me when he really isn't? Ang sakit kaya madisappoint ng ganun. Sobrang nasanay akong andyan siya e. Na sobrang close namin? May time pa na kahit hindi namin sabihin, alam na naming gusto naming kami lang dalawa magkasama. Kumbaga, understood na. IDK what happened, IDK what changed. Pero with the way things are going now, okay naman. Pero hindi pa din tulad ng dati. Hinahanap-hanap ko, sorry naman. :|
Am I that too bad of a person? Mabait naman ako a! Grabe. Mabait ako when it counts! Pero oo, I can be a little frank or harsh most of the time pero diba it's okay naman kasi I mean what I say and say what I mean? Kesa naman sabihin kong ganto, ganyan pero I feel it's otherwise diba? Dapat nga thankful pa kayo at tactless ako e. HAHAHA. JK. Pero if you've got a problem with me being this way, why can't you tell it straight to my face? I know you talk about me behind my back. Sabihin na nating hindi naman masama yung sinasabi niyo about me pero don't you think I should know? Nakakairita kaya ung feeling na pag dadating ka, biglang titigil ung usapan. Tapos pag tayo-tayo magkakasama, you refer to things and people like "si Ano" "yung Ano". Bwisit lang. Hindi niyo ba ko kaibigan at na-gaganyan niyo ko? Masakit. Pero hayaan na, ganyan kayo e. Tanggapin ko na lang.

I've always been accustomed to quitting something when I no longer have the passion for it. Oo na, quitter na ko. Pero kasi 'pag ayaw ko na, ayaw ko na. Extreme person siguro talaga ako. Pero sila, hindi ko sila maiwan. Kahit pa ba ilang beses ko na binalak, kinailangan at ginusto, hindi ko sila maiwan e. Kasi ganun ko sila kamahal. Pero when it's time to return the love, wala. Siguro hindi nila talaga ko mahal. Kasi binabalewala lang nila ko ng sobra. Hindi ba nila ma-appreciate mga ginagawa ko para sa kanila? Lahat ng paghihirap ko para sa kanila. Hindi nila na-aappreciate. Goal number one siguro on my bucket list: Be appreciated.

Kung sino pa ung tingin ko e makakakilala sakin ng sobra kasi sobrang tagal na naming magkakaibigan, sila pa ung iniiwan ako sa ere ngayon. Shet. Sarap mag-breakdown lang. Diba pag kaibigan, tanggap mo siya kahit ano pa siya. Mahal mo siya. Kung magbago man siya, matatanggap mo at mamahalin mo pa din siya kahit ganun. Twisted ba talaga def'n ko ng kaibigan? O ako lang talaga ung panget maging kaibigan? Wala akong kwenta e, sorry naman. Siguro nga hindi na ako ung nakilala niyo nung mga bata pa tayo and you expected me to be that way forever. Pero naman, I'm not as bad as you perceive me to be. Hindi lang talaga ako ung dating nakilala niyong Azeil. Pero hindi masama yung naging ako ngayon. Hindi lang talaga kayo sanay. Intindihin niyo naman na kaya ko ung sarili ko. Na alam ko ung ginagawa ko. Okay? Please, let me grow naman. 'Wag niyo kong ikulong sa kung anomang idea niyo kung sino ako dati. Kasi we should all let each other explore and be there to catch ourselves when we fall. Let each other make the mistakes and be there to help them get up. Hindi ung nilalayo niyo ko sa mali kasi kahit papano, kailangan kong magkamali. Kasi I learn best from my mistakes. At alam niyong gusto kong ine-experience ang lahat diba? Sabi niyo naman kasi kilala niyo ko e.

Nagkakamali ako, oo. Lalo na sa pagmamahal. Lagi na lang akong nasasaktan. Pero hindi ko naman kasi talaga minahal e. Pero oo, nagpaloko ako. Okay? I know. No need to rub it in. Kasi naman e. Kahit masama, kahit bawal, basta gusto ko, gusto ko. At kahit alam kong walang patutunguhan, sige lang ako ng sige. Kasi masaya e. Kasi masarap. Ewan ko ba. Pero ganto talaga ko e. Matagal na tong issue but I can't help and mention it kasi partly, may fault din siya bakit nagkanda-leche leche acads ko. Thanks but no thanks siguro. Never mind, okay na naman e. Back to normal. Kumbaga, walang nangyari. Sana nga, wala na lang nangyari.

Ang gulo ko forever. I wish my thoughts proceeded in a straight line instead of scattering everywhere. Pero okay lang, mahal ko naman sarili ko kahit ganto ako. Nakakainis lang kasi ung mga binibigyan ko ng pagmamahal ko, hindi un maibigay pabalik sakin. Tapos ung mga nagke-care para sakin, hindi ko man lang minsan mapansin at nate-take for granted ko din. Hays. Sorry naman. Intindihin niyo lang ako, please? Magiging okay din ako, sana. Sabi ko pa naman eternally depressed na ko. Kasi parang ganun na e. Pero sana 'wag. I just need this post. Really. Para mailabas lahat ng saloobin na hindi masabi.

PS: Masaya na sana ako kahapon, suot mo lang jacket niya. Halata namang me nagbago e. Sana bumalik na lang sa dati. Pero alam mo, hindi talaga kita mahal as in mahal. Alam ko naman sarili ko pag mahal ko na isang tao e. Hindi ko ma-imagine kaya. HAHAHA. Ewan, selosa lang siguro ako kasi gusto ko sakin lang atensyon mo. Kasi kahit kelan, hindi mo yun nabigay sakin. Siguro for a time, oo. Pero ngayon, wala na ulit e. Hays.