guilt and conscience.

I`m haunted . Haunted not by what most kids are afraid of- ghosts -but by what most adults are afraid of - their own guilt and conscience. No. I haven`t done anything bad. Or maybe I did. But not something agains the laws.

Authorityaddict was in love with dancerdrummer. Remember that first, kay? Yesterday, I was spending a whole lot of time with dancerdrummer. We are friends, after all. But as we were talking seriously, one of our classmates started teasing, " Ui! May nagseselos! " Bein sensitive as I am, I wanted to go back to my assigned seat to avoid anymore jabs from the people. Ha ha! But he just wouldn`t let me go. He even blocked the paths that I could pass to go back to my seat. So okay, I stayed. Dismissal came. And as usual, my barkada and I waited for everyone to finish putting stuff and taking stuff from their lockers. I`m already finished and was waiting for the others when tallbabe approached me. She asked, "Ui, anong ginawa mo kay authorityaddict? Bakit siya badtrip?" Knowing that I had done nothing wrong against authorityaddict, I got out of my good mood. I started to wonder what was it that I have dine wring and after thinking hard, I`d come to analyze that maybe `twas because of our (dancerdrummer and mine`s) closeness earlier inside the room. But for a fact, they have no commitment whatsoever, and she has no right over him, I don`t see any reason for her to get mad. So when I got home, I logged in to my Y!M account as I was accustomed to doing. I saw authorityaddict online so I started to apologize (eventhough I know I haven`t done anything wrong and she has no right to get mad becaus of that). I was continously typing, not even caring what her reply was to my IM's. When I had finally said all that I wanted to, I had read that that was not the real reason why she got badtrip. But `twas because of another classmate. So, keeping my word eventhough it was not the real reason why she was badtrip, I kept my word. I stayed out of the way of dancerdrummer and had not talked to him. I had told one of our classmates why and she was the one who told him. He was wondering who had prohibited me from talking to him and why was I so afraid of that someone. We talked, for a while, (I know, i`m a CHEATER, right?) and I had told him that I wasn`t allowed to say who it was. But I had told him that I was following that someone `coz I don`t want anyone to get mad at me. *sniffs* And for the whole day, he was trying to get near me and to talk to me. But I wanted to keep my word so I kept avoiding him. Until after our RHGP. It was near dismissal time and we will be given final reminders. Before our class adviser arrived to give us the final reminders, universalmom talked to dancerdrummer one-on-one. I dunno what they had talked about, where they talked, and why they talked. I was waiting for dancerdrummer to get back because I was ready to tell him everything. But when he came back, his eyes were red and there were still teardrops left. He cried! *sniffs* And I think `twas because of me `coz after dismissal, he didn`t try to get near me or even look at me.

Ugh! I feel so guilty. I wish I`d had told him the truth earlier! I would next meet him on Monday and that seems a long time. I want to tell him the truth, now!