Never on the same page.

When you care about someone, is there any guarantee that the person you care about also cares about you? When you're missing someone, does that equate to that someone missing you back? I wish. And I also wish I can speak for myself only.

When the memories come rushing, don't you just wish that the person remembers it too, all of a sudden? That the feelings you feel along with the memories affect the two of you.

And sometimes you wish that the gravity of things for you is the same for him, too. But it's not. And it will never be. Because you'll forever be the one who cares more, the one who feels more, the one who remembers more, the one who understands more, and the one who's more attached. No, it's not fair; because that's life.

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Stop pretending.

I know it's there and I know you feel it, too. And just now, maybe you slipped and told me the real reason why you don't get attached. Because you're leaving soon. And I know I make no sense when I say that it's fine. But really, it's fine.

It's just sad that you keep pushing what's here down below - down where not even you can notice that it's there. But what's undeniable is that current flowing between us when we're together, side-by-side. It's that kilig I get when I'm next to you and we're just talking. It's that jitters I get from knowing I'll see you soon and I'm not pretty enough. Okay, I am pretty enough. But still. (You know I'm kidding, right?)

Why can't we admit that it's there? Why are we too scared to take that leap of faith? Why are we settling when we can have so much more? Why can't you say to me the words I've been waiting so long to hear? Why can't you tell me that you're the one to help me fix what has long been broken?

Haven't I made you feel the way you want to? I'm sure I have. And besides, what's there to make sure of? Love's a gamble, life's a game. And if I bet on you, I want you to bet on us. I assure you if you go all-in, we'll win this one. So please, take that chance.

I'm longing to touch you and hold you but you won't let me. You won't let me feel attached because you're scared. And a coward wins nothing but safety and loneliness. So yeah, take that chance on me, mister. Make me happy again and I will never make you feel sad.

I don't like...

Because a list of what I like is too mainstream esp. because it's Christmas season once again. And I will be listing them in Filipino because SO MANY FEELS and people can easily understand them if they aren't in English.

1. Ayoko ng hindi ako nirereplyan.
2. Ayoko ng hindi ako pinapansin! (Sounds papansin but meh. Syempre kapag kailangan akong pansinin. I mean, gets! Hindi naman ako ganun ka-childish. I'm not childish at all.)
3. Ayoko ng bastos sumagot. (Esp. when wala ka namang karapatan para sagutin ako.)
4. Ayaw kong iniiwan ako!
5. Ayoko ng masyadong madrama.
6. Ayoko ng tinatakot ako. (Sa multo.)
7. Ayokong nagde-decline sa kahit ano.
8. Ayoko ng ako ung lumalabas na masama kahit lahat naman ng kailangan ginawa ko.
9. Ayoko ng iniinis ako kapag nasstress ako.
10. Ayoko ng unfair.
11. Ayoko ng magulo.
12. Ayoko ng maingay.
13. Ayoko ng mabaho.
14. Ayoko ng masikip.
15. Scratch the four above, combine them in one item, and yes, ayoko ng magulo na, maingay pa, mabaho pa, at masikip pa. Nakakahilo.
16. Ayoko ng wino-walk-out-an ako kapag kinakausap ko.
17. Ayokong nakikipag-away sa mga taong invalid naman ang arguments.
18. Ayokong nagagalit over petty things.
19. Ayoko ng nagagalit. Sakin. Period. Nakakaguilty tapos nakakalungkot, tapos kapag hindi pa din okay, nakakainis.
20. Ayoko ng paasa.
21. Ayoko ng sinasabihan ako ng "K". (Pero nasanay na ko medyo dahil kay Ninong)
22. Ayoko ng malabo kausap.
23. Ayoko ng paligoy-ligoy pa. Sayang oras.
24. Ayoko ng kung makapagsalita, kala mo siya hindi. Uso self-criticism.
25. Ayoko ng nag-vo-volunteer tapos hindi naman mag-ke-carry through.
26. Ayoko ng assuming.
27. Ayoko ng judgmental.
28. Ayoko ng tahimik na hindi mo alam tumatakbo sa utak.
29. Ayoko ng gagamba. Please lang.
30. Ayoko ng nagkakasala dahil nakabasa lang ako ng status. :/
31. At higit sa lahat, ayokong may nasasaktan ako. Lalake man o babae. Nakakasakit din naman ako ng babae dahil sa pagiging strict ko paminsan. Pero ayoko talaga ng iniisip ng mga tao na pinaasa ko lang sila. Kasi hindi. Kasi mabait at sweet at makulit lang talaga ko. :/ Nakaka-guilty kasi!

If you scratched the four things I said you were to scratch, the list would just be up to 26, my favorite number. I decided to stop there bc I'm too sleepy and stressed and I have to get up real early for a busy day tomorrow. Anyhoo, there's more to that list and if you did any one of those things, it's fine. Sabi ko lang naman ayoko, 'di ko sinabing kinagagalit ko. Bihira lang ako magalit, mainis, oo, madalas. Pero magalit. Konti lang nakaka-alam kung pano at bakit. ;)

Always for all the wrong reasons.

"I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel"

-- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol

For so long, I have always been content with knowing how I feel but not letting others know how I really feel. It's not that I've been pretentious all the while, but it's just so easier to just feel something common than to always explain your unusual emotions. I may appear as if I am what I am, "what you see is what you get", but really, there are only few who really know the story.

It hurts. And I don't really know why. Swear to everything pink I own that I don't know why. Or not. Maybe it's because of the attachment that was developed between us. Or maybe because I think I let the people who believed there was a future for us someday down. Or maybe it's just really the obvious reason - that I'm jealous.

Nah. Can't be. It never was. People always thought so; but I knew deep down inside that somehow, it isn't jealousy. It maybe something else entirely but it fucking hurts just the same (even worse, at times). I don't understand how I really feel but I think I should let it out. It's making me sad and depressed and sappy and "and"s are all over the place.

I'm constantly looking for a place/person to lean on because the things that are supposed to be holding me together are slowly untangling themselves. It's like I'm a puppet made to portray glee and ecstasy but all I really am inside are woven strings and the threads on my body look good but aren't designed to make me feel even a teeny bit better.

It's awkward in all the right places and seems appropriate during the most inconvenient situation. But nevertheless, it's confusing. You are, I am, she is, we all are. I don't really know if I'm supposed to be in this mess but I feel that I am and nobody can contest to someone else's feelings, could they? It's just that, it all happened so fast. We didn't even know what was going on before it happened. And now that it has, do we really have something to go back to or something to move forward to?

So many unanswered questions just pondered upon. I wish we were all contemplating; but I'm afraid most of the queries I have never even crossed your mind. What else is there to do but to let it go? Sometimes we never really do have a choice. I guess I'm wrong once again. But I'm always deemed wrong, am I not? Always for all the wrong reasons.